Recognizing Unrealistic Expectations
and
Realistic Realtionship Endeavors
and
Realistic Realtionship Endeavors
1. Don't Wait For Someone To Select You - Select Them!
While you're playing it safe, waiting and hoping to be selected, you're at a definite competitive
disadvantage. While you're denying yourself the opportunity to let someone know you're attracted
to them, more assertive members may be selecting the person(s) you're interested in, and will be far
more likely to be dating this person than yourself. Moreover if you both refrain from choosing
each other out of a fear of rejection or because you're both on a "Passive" membership plan where
neither of you can make selections, you're simply not going to meet this person.Don't Fear to Sample Failure if You Want to Savor Success
- Norman Mickey
Some persons who would never think of putting themselves at a competitive disadvantage in
something as relatively unimportant as a game or a sporting contest, unwittingly do so in their
relationship search. A fundamental principle usually applies to finding what you want (unless you're are dealing with a truly impossible situation), whether
it be a good job, a good college or a good relationship - Your chances for success usually increase
in relation to the number of attempts made! Relationship candidates as well as prospective
colleges and potential employers have to be made aware of your interest in them. Being shy, coy,
demure or unassertive isn't very successful in landing either the job, college, date or spouse
of your choice.
2. Don't Select or Respond to Members on the Basis of Superficial Impressions
Review information about persons who don't initially attract you. We have several
under-discovered,
appealing members who are not often chosen because some members do not look beyond their photo
and profile sheet. Some photo-profiles simply don't do a member justice - that's why we're a
multi-faceted program with a great deal of information and relationship tools available to provide you with superior
assessments of attraction. You may discover a person who's just right for you but has been
overlooked by other members who failed to thoroughly explore what this person has to offer.This doesn't mean that you shouldn't choose attractive people. It does mean that you probably
shouldn't limit your choices only to superficially attractive persons, especially if you're
batting out of your league and you're on a membership plan with a limited number of selections
available.
An inexperienced or foolish card player may tend to overvalue the importance of the more glamorous face cards and the magnificent aces over the other cards in the deck. This person may attempt to hold or draw these cards against the odds, while discarding better possibilities presented by the plainer faced number cards. This player will usually lose to a more realistic player who wisely looks for a winning combination from all of the cards available.
3. Realize That It's Necessary To Endure Rejection In Order To Achieve Success
Expect to experience some rejection when making selections, especially from the most frequently
selected members who sometimes tend to be more selective and restrictive due to their popularity.
Don't become discouraged if you're turned down. Instead, up your chances for success simply by
making more selections (this doesn't mean that you shouldn't also work on your shortcomings to increase your success ratio). You may meet more members than someone who's more attractive or
accomplished, but unwilling to make as many selections as you, because they don't want to
deal with the possibility of rejection.
To illustrate this point, I once went to nightclub where I was not known. In my first 9 attempts to ask different women to dance, I was rejected. Those who are familiar with the rejection ratio in the club scene know that it is high - but this was beyond the norm. However, armed with the knowledge of statistical probability and knowing that there was nothing inherently wrong with me or my approach, rather than dismiss myself as undesirable and defeated, I mustered up the courage to ask another woman to dance each time I was turned down. My perseverance paid off after my ninth rejection when the next 3 women I asked, accepted my invitation to dance. Thus what could have been a total shutout (0 for 9) and a depressing experience had I not persevered, instead became a 3 for 12 success ratio and an enjoyable evening with an important lesson to share. Although it may at first sound
contradictory, the
following principle usually applies:
Rejection and Success Are Often Favorably Related -
The More Rejection You're Willing
To Experience, The More Success You're Likely To Have
- Norman Mickey
4. Don't Give Up
It's easy to quit, blame the program, or the other members if you're not getting the kind
of results you want. Remember,
A Winner Never Quits and a Quitter Never Wins
A Winner Never Quits and a Quitter Never Wins
5. Take a Look at Yourself
Have you taken a close look at your personal attributes? How marketable
are they to the persons you'd like to meet?
A. Are you realistic in your appraisal of yourself? Some of us have a self image which varies
(sometimes considerably) from the way others perceive us. It's not always easy to understand
why some people may react to you as they do, and it can helpful to get an assessment
from a professional counselor. Remember, we have a Licensed Marriage Therapist available to provide Singles Counseling
if you'd like to explore any personal growth issues.
B. What qualities can you change that some people find undesirable? Are you overweight and aware of health and other consequences of being overweight? Are you a heavy smoker and aware of the premature physical aging and reduced longevity consequences of smoking? Are you a heavy drinker with undesirable personality changes when you drink? Are you hyper-critical of others and/or oblivious to your own flaws? Do you portray
yourself in an offensive, elitist manner? If so, you must realize that fewer persons are
going to want to meet you, or stay around very long if they find these qualities disturbing.
You then have the choice of deciding to lose weight, reduce nicotine dependency, alcohol use, or change your
attitudes or behavior. Another alternative entails lowering your partner expectations. Of course you can also
choose neither to change, nor lower your expectations, and play against the odds for the
limited numbers of persons who will tolerate, or don't mind these things about you.
C. Are you average in looks? Unfortunately we're not all great looking. Most of us aren't! It's
unrealistic to choose only the most attractive members and then become disappointed if they don't
want to meet you.
D. Are you attractive, accomplished, wealthy or charming but can't sustain relationships? Do your obvious
assets attract people to you initially, only to find that that they don't stick around once
they get to know more about you? Does your personality, attitude and behavior keep people interested
in you or drive them away? If you are experiencing problems, have you considered discussing
your concerns with a professional counselor?
E. Are there other things you can improve? Choose one or more and take action! Set realistic goals
for yourself and take practical steps to achieve them. And remember, you have the support,
understanding and guidance of a caring organization whose program is exclusively designed to
help you achieve your goals as a single.
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Copyright 1992-2008 Norman Mickey
Return to: Relationship Tips