In Search of Romance
by Abner H. Cook
Debbie is a young divorced mother of two children. She is in her late
twenties, considered quite attractive and has a fairly good background
of values and education. She grew up with an upper middle class
background, having strict parents with high expectations of their
children. Now single for over five years, Debbie has drifted through
relationships ranging from casual encounters to living together
arrangements. Although Debbie has no problems in getting attention from
men, she does experience frustration with the type of man she
attracts. Although each person looks different, the personality and
interactions are basically the same, resulting in Debbie repeating her
patterns of forming destructive relationships. Her past history has
indicated the men she chose had no real interest in her, no concern for
her needs or feelings and preoccupied with their own selfish
gratification. On the surface, the men seemed charming, exciting and fun
to be with. Debbie kept questioning her self worth because she wound up
with a person who mistreated her in each relationship she formed.
Brad is a young man in his twenties who is single and never been
married. He is an introverted passive-aggressive type of person who has
difficulty in expressing his feelings. Although Brad is a "nice guy" he
has some deep insecurities that contribute to contact with people. His
relationships with women suffer because Brad is unable to express his
needs and desires and like most shy people, focuses on his own internal
problems rather than listening to what others have to say. Out of the
very few platonic relationships with women that Brad has been able to
form, none have progressed to any deep meaning. Because Brad's desire to
have a romantic and sexual relationship has been unfulfilled, he
questions his ability to be lovable, deserving and worthwhile, and like
Debbie, seeks out love in the wrong ways and pursues it in the wrong
places.
A lot of single people complain about the lack of romance and their
failure to find a suitable partner. They reiterate their frustration
about the deficiency of quality and availability of desirable people to
meet. Instead of finding that "perfect" partner, many people reject
prospective candidates because these suitors don't fit their type
- their image of the ideal. It is no surprise that many single people
subscribe to the myth that there is a "Mr. or Ms. Right" out there,
somewhere who will be perfectly compatible with their lifestyle,
interests and desires. Such thinking only serves to extrapolate
distorted perceptions of what one should really look for and only
results in depriving one of otherwise rich learning experiences. One
only needs to examine the high divorce rate, uprooting of families and
sifting of broken relationships to realize that a lot of people have
bought into that childhood concept of a "Prince Charming" or "Princess
Cinderella" who is the right person to make us happy, sweep us
off our feet and live happily ever after.
Instead of taking time to learn about their relationship patterns, many
single people just set out to find another right person who will
fit their list of requirements and fit their "type". What is most
likely to happen is these people will find a person similar to the last
who fits into their pattern of relating. Freud called this method of
repeating the same mistakes repetition compulsion. Simply stated,
unless we do something to change our old learned methods of relating and
seeking out partners, we are doomed to repeat the past over and over
again.
Most of the ways we relate to other people are learned from early
childhood and we pick up many of the social skills from our parents, who
are our role models. If our parents related well to themselves and
others and gave us plenty of love and approval, we then, most likely
will be able to seek out healthy relationships. However, if we were
lacking love and attention from our parents, one and/or the
other, we will probably seek out that lost approval by looking for a
partner to fulfill our emptiness. Some single people look for qualities
that they lack and they have the mistaken belief that if they only find
someone who possesses these missing traits, everything will be all right
and both parties can unite for a whole complete relationship. Research
has indicated through studies and evaluations that nothing is further
from the truth and it is a deception to view dating and romance with
this delusion.
The first step toward getting a better understanding about love and
romance would be to become the right person rather than looking
for the right mate. Although opinion is mixed as to whether opposites
attract, studies have shown that most people feel comfortable with
people who have similar interests, values and backgrounds. A good
exercise to do in searching for a partner would be to list all of the
qualities that you regard as important and adapt these qualities into
your own lifestyle and watch who you attract! Such effort
requires a conscious awareness of your own behavior and the behavior of
others. Many people are waiting for love to find its way toward them
rather than realizing that they are responsible for the way their lives
are and can take charge to make love happen for them.
People only change when they have to. They do what works for them
and continue with the learned patterns of relating. If you can accept
this statement and become aware of a candidate's style of relating, you
will be in a position to determine the outcome of a relationship and be
in a better position to choose whether this person is a good
consideration or not. With very few exceptions, what you see is what you
get! More people are in destructive relationships because they fail to
take responsibility for their lives and instead, remain hopelessly
trapped in despair! Most relationships don't happen by accident; the
parties are attracted to each other by unfinished business or
unconscious wishes and these unhealthy patterns can only be changed
through conscious effort.
Today more people are single by choice. There are more
methods of meeting available than were
previously available. Many businesses have been formed for the express
purpose of introducing single people. Video dating, computer matching,
radio call in shows and even personal ads (and now the internet, which
came about after this article was written) are modern ways to bring
people together. The thing singles have to realize is that there is
nothing wrong in either pursuing these methods or in the people who
are already members. People who do decide to try any or all of these
introduction methods will be in a better position to avoid frustration
and disappointment if they will view the candidates as just other
normal people who, like every other single person, are just looking
for someone to love and be loved. Many people carry their neurotic
beliefs of looking for that "right" one, only to complain "there's no
one there". Stop trying to look for perfection; remember you get
strong and weak traits - good and bad habits with anyone! Stop
focusing for that "Mr. or Ms. Right" and instead, concentrate on "how"
someone treats YOU! After all, what good is a "perfect ten" if that
person treats you bad or makes you feel unhappy, or abuses you, verbally
or physically.
One thing; it makes no difference how or where you look for a
partner if your head is not on straight. If you have had destructive
relationships in the past, you can choose now to have better
options for the future! Take responsibility for the past! Realize that
it's YOUR fault for the role you played in your past. Then, make efforts
to be aware of those old patterns and keep a sharp eye out for them in
your future encounters! Contrary to what you might hear, there is still
plenty of opportunity for rich, rewarding relationships. All it takes is
some conscious effort of your part!
Abner Cook is a former Video Introductions' member. He is now in a
caring and committed marriage.
FOR FURTHER READING...
"How to Stop Looking for Someone Perfect and Find Someone to Love"
by Judith Sills, Ph.D.
"Taking a Chance on Love"
by Emily Marlin
"How to Live With Another Person"
by David Viscott, M.D.
"Love Signals"
by David Gibbins, Ph.D.
"Putting It Altogether"
by Irene C. Kassorla, Ph.D.
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